US Transfers Airport Security From TSA to TMZ

Borowitz Report

Amid growing public outrage over the conduct of airport security in the U.S., the Department of Homeland Security today transferred all responsibility for screening passengers from the TSA to TMZ, the popular celebrity gossip website.

In announcing the change, Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano said, “We believe that TMZ can do the same job that TSA did, but they’ll be less invasive and more respectful.”

Effective immediately, TSA personnel will be replaced at the nation’s airports by camera-wielding TMZ paparazzi who will attempt to take the most revealing photos of passengers possible.

Additionally, TMZ said it would expand the so-called Homeland Security “watch list” to include such celebrities as Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, and Mel Gibson.

“For years, TMZ cameras have been trained on celebrities’ underpants, whether they’re wearing them or not,” said TMZ founder Harvey Levin. “This should be just like another day at the office for us.”

Mr. Levin said that he hoped the airport assignment could lead to a larger national security role for TMZ: “If we used the same energy we put into spotting Jake Gyllenhaal with Taylor Swift, we’d have bin Laden by now.”

In other national security news, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called WikiLeaks “the most serious invasion of privacy since Facebook.”

Scridb filter